My Cup Runneth Over

I am in a position to say that I am happier today than I have been in a long time.  This isn't a statement that I make lightly either.  I've got ALL of my children under my roof tonight, we ate a delicious dish of chicken and chili on tortillas that I prepared over a week ago (Love my freezer meals!!), and we are going to spend tomorrow morning at Long Hunter State Park assisting with a conservation effort.  Am I a blessed girl or what?!

I couldn't help but think tonight as I was on the way to pick up Christian from the airport that I couldn't be happier.  I am so full of joy that some days I just cry.  Nothing substantial, mind you, it's just the tears come unexpectedly.  A sweet call from a friend, a kind word from a stranger, or a long look from Mike that just makes me realize that even though we've been married for as long as we have he still sees my heart.

And then sometimes I have those thoughts that sneak in before I know what hits me.  The ones that whisper, "This won't last long," or "nothing this good lasts forever."  I've had to get REALLY good at pushing them aside.  I KNOW THAT!  I know that things happen.  Parents get older, children get sick, homes are lost in a blink of an eye...God, don't I know anything can happen!!

I'm going to ask that my friends and family join me in seeing the beauty around them.  Look at your children, for heaven's sake, and truly see the gifts you've been given.  Look at the spouse that you've chosen and reach down deep and remember why you married them in the first place.  Feel how fortunate you are when you crawl out of bed in the morning as you get ready for your day. (Because some of us are literally crawling out of bed.)  Just remember that you have a heavenly Father that loves you more than anything.  He's just waiting for you to see Him, too. 

Enjoy!!

Everyday Changes

My thoughts are a mess this morning.  The weather is changing - it is a brisk morning and with the leaves falling, Autumn is definitely right around the corner and that makes me sad.  Although I'd like to blame the change of seasons for causing this mess in my head - I can't put a seem to wrap my head around any one thought today and I know it's because so many things changed this weekend - not just the weather.


Ten years ago, I was not quite 30 years old...just a baby in the great scheme of life!  Terrorists on our doorstep was impossible, even though 9/11 was just a few weeks away.  Katrina, that monstrous storm, wasn't even close to being on the radar.  My skin was still supple, my hair lustrous, my back -  OK, my back was stiffer.  We still played cards with Mike and Kelley, celebrated New Year's with Jeremy and Cynthia, and had Friday night high school football to look forward to.

But now, I find myself clinging to my children almost desperately because I am not ready for them to be "grown ups."  I want Christian to move back home so I can take care of him.  I don't want Severn to drive because that just means he's driving away from me and one day, he'll be like Christian, living in another city.  I don't want Miranda to stop reading the Warrior series because that means she'll no longer have a little girl's heart. 

Will there still be room for me?  I want to be a mom - it's what I'm good at.

And my heart - it seems to have changed the most.  It's not unlike Plato's Allegory of the Cave.  There is so much that I've learned and experienced through the years that sometimes I wish I could go back to the cave and face the wall.  But I can't.  Everyday, I feel God working in my heart and I just want to cry for all the beauty I see.  How can I go back to the chains and face the blank cave wall and believe that those shadows I see are my reality?

There's a great song that came out about 10 years ago (maybe 15, but who's counting?) called "Time Marches On." It's truly a COUNTRY song - and the content speaks more clearly to me today than it did 10 years ago.

Gonna getcha on this one!

God was listening today...and it wasn't to me.

It started last night.  Maybe I shouldn't have issued that challenge. (I'm going to listen because I want to feel the wind on my face, etc, etc)  Sigh....

Let me rewind.  When we lived in New York, we attended a Lutheran church called...Prince of Peace.  Same as the church we attended in San Antonio, but different.  New York posed all sorts of challenges, although we couldn't pinpoint them at the time. The biggest challenge being that none of us had lived away from San Antonio since the early 80's (cough, cough...Mike.)  We all had to deal with our own trials - and if you haven't ever moved away from all you hold dear to your heart - don't judge...it hurts in ways you'll never know!

In the course of the 7 months at Prince of Peace; New York - they issued a survey to determine what each members' strengths were.  I received mine right before we moved to Tennessee. Discernment, Evangelism, and Faith.  Essentially- I'm the friend you want to have because I believe in God - I know His Son died for all of us, and I'm not afraid to share His Word, and guess what?!?!...I know what you are feeling because He sends me in when you need me the most!

Fast forward to today.  I don't know if I made a difference, but I can tell you that I received all sorts of trials - not of my own doing.  It just worked out that God needed me today as His liaison.    I think it took the 2nd or 3rd go around that it finally connected...."Uh, duh...God, is this for me? Because I was having a great day before that call BEFORE my first cup of coffee!  (Pause.) Oh, I need to listen for YOU?  (Another pause.) OK...ten - four!"

Why do I blog?

Can't say that I am the most consistent blogger in the state of TN - but I do know that when I blog I feel that I have lifted a great weight off my shoulders and continue on until the world is crushing me again.

I'm crushed....perhaps if I dump into said BLOG, life will turn right side up again!

After a whirlwind business trip through crispy Texas and up to the lush greenness of upstate New York, I left no time to just "BE."  Between moving all of our belongings from Texas to Tennessee - (and freaking out about our Maverick running away/getting lost) then flying back to Texas to play in the jewelry (do I have the best hostesses or WHAT?!) then up to New York to make new friends and play in more jewelry....man oh man....would you think am I tired!?  No, not in the least, but I think that's what should have come after all that!

I did almost fall asleep in church on Sunday - Pastor Kevin had a great sermon (God's all seeing eye), but it was my time to BE.  We rush so quickly through our daily lives that we forget to just take a moment and enjoy the silence.  Not that there is much silence in the Rollins' household...except maybe at 5:30 AM.  I want to sit outside and marvel at the creation in front of me.  I want to feel the cool breeze on my face as I take that first sip of hot coffee.

So here is my own personal challenge for tomorrow.  I am going to do exactly that...so that when I come to blog again, I will be calmer and lighter of heart, so that as I blog, I can solve the world's problems, one blog at a time!

Can you see me now?

A couple of months ago, my dad and I had a rather interesting discussion about passing the peace in church.  Who really sees you as they shake your hand?  The eyes are the window to the soul.  So if you don't look at their face, how will you truly pass God's peace?

I decided to do an experiment.  I've been attending a new church in the Mt. Juliet area.  This past weekend was probably the best time to try this since Severn and Miranda were in Corpus Christi with their grandparents.  Mike was working.  How many people would actually see me?

I came into the church at the beginning of the service.  It started late since everyone was still in fellowship - good to know, right?  Especially since this was my 4th or 5th time to visit.  There weren't a lot of people in church -  I imagine it was due to the holiday weekend.  The songs were sang and the pastor had a great message.

 "The peace of the Lord be with you all."  It was time.  I turned to the family behind me.  Their 15 year old daughter looked me in the eyes and smiled.  She saw me!!  Same for the dad and the mom - I felt as if I struck gold!!  But then that feeling of belonging rapidly began to dissipate.  Hands were clasped, but eyes slid over and past me.  Don't you see me? I wanted to ask.  I could be hurting here!!  But they were moving around the church quickly greeting their friends and loved ones.  I shook hands with a few other souls, attempting to make eye contact.  No luck.  Another lady came up to me and introduced herself while shaking my hand.  But my feelings were already hurt, to be completely honest.  It's hard to maintain objectivity when one uses oneself as an experiment, you know.

 Four out of about 40 people acknowledged me sitting there, alone. 

It isn't ever easy to be the new kid on the block.  It doesn't matter whether it's work, church, or school.  But I'm glad I tried - and I'll try again next Sunday.  Because I've learned it is very easy to get comfortable - and we all know that comfort is the enemy of achievement (not my quote).  But if I were to maintain my current level of comfort, I would probably miss some great people and perhaps some great friendships.

You know that first family that I turned to with the 15 year old daughter?  The mom asked if I had plans that afternoon.  She didn't like the idea of me being alone.  She saw me and my need.  And that is truly God's peace.

Homeschooling - To do or Not to do?

It's been a full year since Mike and I made the decision to home school and I've got to say that I'm still not completely sold on the idea.  We made this decision a little late in the game - one graduated from public school, one went through 8th grade and the other through 5th grade.  I guess you can say that our family is conditioned for public school and the rituals and routines that go along with it. We loved the football games with halftime performances. Oh, and the anticipation for any holiday or 3 day weekend....we could sleep in!!

But when we started to dissect HOW the kids were learning and WHAT they were learning - that was what led us to consider homeschooling in the first place.  The biggest problem was that Severn was spending most of his days in the Principal's office - not because he was in trouble - but always for some injustice done to him.  Some were too trivial to mention, but others were valid, HUGE problems that no parent ever wants to deal with.  The bullying, the disrespectful punks who wouldn't allow teachers to do their job, and let's face it, the teachers that didn't want to do their jobs didn't invite a love of learning.

Mike and I really hesitated when it came to Miranda because she did quite well in public school.  She loves to learn, loves to socialize, and basically thrives in the public school setting.  But the girls were starting to get catty...the name calling was beginning...why is it that the first thing children learn how to insult in today's society is sexuality?  Well, shoot - hang on a sec...I think we did the same thing in elementary and middle school.  Sigh...but I think the term "gay" was really all that we used. 

But I digress...

The girls were now dating or "going out" with boys, wearing make up, and super tight jeans.  The simplicity of Childhood was basically drop kicked out the window.  There were more days than I can count that I had to send Miranda into school crying because she couldn't get a grasp on those crazy emotions - OR that she couldn't tell me what was wrong.  And that is no way for anyone to start their day.

So they were learning - their test scores always proved that, but at what cost?  Is their sense of self worth really something to sacrifice?  And what other self destructive patterns would have been in their future?

The first thing that Mike and I noticed after we moved to NY and began homeschooling instruction was that Severn could walk by a group of boys without worrying about being messed with.  Miranda stopped biting her nails.  The anger that Severn had always carried around slowly began to melt away. (We thought this was just his personality.)  We still had to deal with residual behaviors like Severn calling Miranda names when we weren't around to build himself up, etc, etc.  But once we drilled into him that all he's doing is tearing her down and we are in charge of building her up, he started to treat her with more respect.  That was a trait learned from other children because I like to think we are pretty respectful in our household.

I'm not going to say instructing my own children has been easy either.  As I mentioned earlier, we are conditioned to the public school system.  Thus, I get really frustrated when it's time for them to wake up and get started for the day and they feel no sense of urgency.  And adding Bailey's to my coffee every morning to alleviate my frustrations wasn't going to be a solution.

I imagine that as we move into our second year of homeschooling we will see even more growth. Their test scores still prove they are learning. And there is a sense of excitement.  AND, my coffee is just coffee.

Making it Work

Being a full time wife and mother is not an easy task.  I have so many friends that work full time outside the home and always tell me, "I don't know how you do it, I'd go crazy" or "I'd end up in prison because I'd kill someone." (That second statement came from one of my dear New Yorker friends...so brutally honest, but refreshing.)

When I worked full time, I felt like nothing was ever 100% done.  It was as if I were a pie and a third of me went to household chores, a third of me focused on full time work, and a third of me had to be shared by Mike and the kids - guess that's a sixth, but I'm no math major.  It was a lose-lose situation.  I wasn't the top salesperson at work because I was concerned about Christian and which college he was going to attend.  I was angry that Severn was dealing with bullying at the middle school.  I wasn't preparing the most nutricious meals at home...PB & J and grilled cheese were staples in our home last year, in fact not prepared by me at all, but by Miranda.

This is what I decided to change by working my business out of my home this past year.  I have dedicated days to making phone calls and mornings are dedicated to emails.  While my business is still growing, I wanted to conserve cash flow, so I clip coupons on Sundays and compare ads.  I plan out my week so unnecessary driving has been cut down.  We eat at home pretty much everyday, so those fast food runs are few and far between.

I wanted to build my relationship with Michael so that we can celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and our children and grandchildren will say, "That's what I want!"  Basically, I changed how I look at him.  I see this most amazing man who makes me laugh.  Sometimes, he says things that don't make me laugh, but make me feel like I've just been tickled -have you ever felt like that?  We talk about EVERYTHING - even if it's trivial.  For example, yesterday the topics were,  How do you Discipline your Daughter when She's a Teenager? and I Know who Would have My Back in a Fight even at this Age (Chris and Darren, here's to you!)

And I am now probably the most consistent mom you'll meet when it comes to my kids.  Christian gets to talk with me several times a week.  I am putting the finishing touches on my masterpiece, this beautiful person that we were blessed to raise, by building him up to be a man of integrity and honor.  I encourage Severn and Miranda to make wise choices in food daily.  And personal hygiene.  And being a good friend. And learning something new everyday.

How does my pie look now?  It's still in thirds, but routine and consistency have brought it all together.  I thank God everyday that He has given me this opportunity to do what I am best at.  Being a wife, a mother, and business owner - and having the enthusiasm to do it all well!!