Here I am, almost 11 o'clock at night, and I am up because the tears that chose not to fall this past week decided to make an appearnace tonight. Mike asked me what was wrong...mind you, we are in bed already when the tears appeared. They don't have any sense of time, I guess. So I was able to communicate honestly to Mike, "I don't cry in public..."
I cant' give him an honest answer of "What's wrong." I'm sad because my grandpa died - that's the most obvious. I'm tired - it's been a long day and rest isn't my best friend right now.
I guess what's wrong is a thought that has been lingering in the back of my mind. It haunts my days and lends to sleepless nights. It is the fact that my role as wife and mother are evolving. I'm unsure of which direction I need to go in next. This has been coming for a while now. I mean, my kids aren't the sweet little babies that need mommy all the time now. So I'm looking for purpose and trying to determine what God has in store for me. Like everyone else on the planet, I'm looking for signs everywhere!
I didn't take too many psychology courses in college so I can't state for fact that I am feeling the way I do because my original role was as a mother. I graduated from high school, started college with no clear direction and POOF! I was a mom at 19. Did this hard wire me differently than my friends and family that had children later in life or not at all?
My role was clear when the children were younger. It was pure surviaval!! My yesterdays are still as crystal clear now as they were then...even more so clear than the now. I woke up and made breakfast for everyone. Sometimes lunch depending on if the baby slept through the night. I walked Christian to school, pushing Sev and Mrianda in the double stroller. We'd come home so they could play while I tidied up breakfast dishes and made beds. Once a week, we would go downtown to meet my Grandma Farley at McDonalds' for a playdate. (Grandma Farley is legally blind now.) Once that was done and we played for a while, it was nap time. I was GOOD at nap time!! We'd wake just in time to walk back to the school to pick up Christian or meet him halfway. Time for snacks and homework while getting dinner started. Oh look! Here comes Daddy! Mike would occupy the kids while I got dinner on the table and we shared a healthy, if not totally calm dinner with an 8, 4, and 2 year old in our midst. Dishes would wait as we got the kids bathed for the evening. Storytime has and always will be a huge role in our family. In fact, I didn't want to share with Severn that Mom reading stories at night was something that maybe shouldn't be done...say, at the age of 14! But where was I? So, bath was done, stories were read, prayers were said ...and Mommy and Daddy had time together to visit and just absorb one another's presence.
Fast forward ten years...Christian lives in Maryland, Severn hangs up on me because of his ADHD (processing isn't quite there), and Miranda makes witty banter about my bedroom being off limits!! So where does that leave me??!! I'm still Mike's wife, I'm still a child of God and I'm still a Mother. But that role of Mother changes every flipping time you think you've got it figured out!!
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