This last year has been one of MANY changes. I don't like to complain...really...but I'm surprised that anyone can go through so many changes and come out sober! The most notable were Mike's job loss, our oldest son, Christian, graduating from high school, leaving our home of FOREVER and moving halfway across the US for a job...then turning around and moving AGAIN halfway back!!Some of the smaller changes...(YET HUGE IN MY EYES) are we are now homeschooling our younger two...and believe me...we are all conditioned for public school!
I can't say that I've really cried about the changes. Okay, let me rephrase that. I cried ALOT right before Christian graduated. From Mother's Day 2010 until he crossed that stage in June, I would cry if you said BOO. But after he graduated...I felt as if I were just going through the motions. And then, the move...I have to say that the thought of leaving Texas for New York was quite appealing to my sense of adventure. I couldn't wait to experience a NY Winter! And the smaller shops (as opposed to the gigantic one stop shopping...cough, cough...Walmart)! I started being referred to as, "Hey, you're the one from Texas, right?
Then reality set in. We didn't get to see Christian everyday as we had left him back in Texas in charge of the house (that is another post altogether!) Severn and Miranda began to miss their friends, who in turn showed their true colors...as did mine. You always find out who your TRUE friends are when you move. And then the snow came - again and again and again. Lord, I think that it was still snowing when we left in April.
I can't pinpoint how to identify the feelings that came with all of that. I'm not sure if I would even call it depression. Yeah, and for those of you suffering from that rotten sneaky...(well, you get my drift) depressed people can't laugh, can they? It was more of an "I don't know how I'm going to feel today, so I'm not going to plan anything" kinda feeling. The days that we did have something planned, my energy level was electric!! On the off days, I was more or less a listless, dragging blob slightly resembling a human. And here I am, the supposed "Heart" of my family...I didn't even know if I had one anymore.
Yet here we are, a full year later and my grandfather passed away a week ago. We all rushed to Omaha so we could be together as a family. I have to share that the laughter was intense. It was almost as if we laughed hard enough, we could deny that grief lurking around the edges. At times, the lines were blurred and emotions were running high, but we were ALIVE!!
And that is what I am slowly coming to understand. My life needed a definable moment. I couldn't find it in a new state, a new pair of shoes or even in my family. It was a new state of mind and one of the last things my Grandpa did was give me life back.
Rest in Peace ~ Howard A. Most ~ January 2, 1928 - May 30, 2011
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