I am angry this morning. I am angry at a society that has taken away a mother's role in the household to send her out into a workforce while her children are raised by someone else. I am angry at a society that puts more value on monetary gains and material possessions that on the well being and health of our children. I am angry at a society that allows government officials to make a decision to vaccinate our children without parental consent. I am angry that what I do in my household is isn't good enough and is considered unworthy.
Fifty years ago, a woman could keep a clean house, have dinner on the table, and help her children with their homework without being criticized for not working outside the home. A woman was expected to look her part - meaning that she could dress up to look like a WOMAN without being criticized for how much she spent on make up, clothes, or accessories. A husband was proud of what his wife could do with the minimal that they had.
Shame on a society that would make a husband feel torn on whether or not his wife should work outside or inside the home. Shame on a society for bringing confusion and frustration into our homes. And shame on US for allowing all of this to happen because we were too apathetic to lift a finger because we were too busy chasing the dollar and watching TV and forgetting to go to church and be aware of our surroundings and being a voice to our children.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Right Where I Need To Be
I got up really early this morning. It was a simple gesture of support since Mike and James both had to be at work early. I made coffee and ensured that they had homemade banana bread that I prepared last night...it was still warm!! I didn't shove them out the door...really.
It's just that I've come to enjoy my morning routine and it is truly one of my greatest pleasures. It's MY morning, MY coffee, MY fresh air, MY music....it's MY gift that I want to enjoy. Even though I may suffer minor twinges due to the onset of middle age, (whatever...I just have to say that because that's what my body thinks...my mind knows better!) I am determined to enjoy my day.
I caught up with an old friend from high school yesterday. As we chatted, we realized that we hadn't talked in three years! For the sake of argument, that's really not a long time. But when you think about all the changes that have occurred - however minor - three years can seem like an eternity to some.
Three years ago, I graduated from college with no set goals in mind. Why? The start of the recession, silly! Jobs that were rocking when I started back to college in 2006 were no longer viable options in 2008. I had just fallen into a small home based business that I thought I could "try." And I kept looking. I kept thinking that there wasn't anything out there for me. My mornings came to be a time of tears and frustration, as well as bitterness at others' success. As I'd drive to the array of "careers" I had between 2008-2010, I'd be angry at the moms getting to walk their children to school. I'd be jealous of those driving nicer vehicles than mine. Facebook became a source that fed my bitterness because of all the happy - happy "Look how good I'm doing" posts. I wanted to puke at the injustice of it all.
Then a funny thing happened in June 2009. My sweet friend, Becky, and I (together we are the super hero Dorky Beeen) just decided to do things different. We decided to decide. No more dwelling on the worst things that could happen. It all boiled down to a simple quote from Mark Twain. Paraphrased, it said, "If you were to eat a toad every morning, chances are that's the worst thing that will happen to you that day."
I can't say things were super perfect after that, but I can say that my attitude was greatly improved. I still had moments of self doubt and still had to jump into another "career", but I had finally realized what I was good at and had found my place in the world.
What I realized was this: I love people. I love laughter. I love sharing great conversations. I love a good cup of coffee. I love music that speaks to my soul. I love my family. I love helping.
So how do I wrap all of that up into one neat, tidy package? That little home based business that I had fallen into was still plodding along. I was still playing in jewelry with ladies and meeting new people. The jewelry shows kept coming...but I kept looking for that other career that was going to send me to the next level.
And then suddenly in January 2010, I was hit with real life. My dermatologist (for the 2nd time) found a precancerous mole in an area that we could not blame on the sun. Mike made the decision to come with me to the Regional conference that Premier was holding in Dallas, since I needed assistance getting around. Originally, he was going to catch up on some much needed sleep while I learned how to keep my home shows going. Once we got there, he decided to join me because it was crowded and he didn't want me getting jostled (the surgery was to remove a mole on my foot) and he could also get a little more insight into "our" Premier business.
I can't say how much that conference changed our thinking. There weren't any amazing, profound "secrets" that these leaders shared. There was the jeweler who had moved a ton of times because she was in the military. There was the jeweler who was a total feeler, as opposed to a doer. She hated going to the post office, too. But she was making it work. I know there were other speakers, but I can't say that I "got" what they were talking about. The message was just take care of your guests and hostesses.
So we came home and did just that. And the shows kept coming. I just kept playing in the jewelry, loving on all the ladies...laughing with them...helping them...and knew I was right where I needed to be. When that realization hit - that I could use my gifts - business began to grow faster than I expected. I still suffered from insecurities, but everything was moving forward. Even when the bottom dropped out and we had to move away from our life in San Antonio without Christian...we still maintained a positive outlook. And our business kept growing.
Yesterday, I looked at the numbers to see if we will be able to make this cruise that Premier is sending their leadership on. These numbers are a direct reflection of my work. Mike had to pry me off the ceiling when I realized that we are very likely going to go for free. And the shows keep coming and I just keep loving on my hostesses and they accept my love and they accept me for my love of music and coffee and family.
I can say with confidence that I was never a jewelry person. I didn't notice it until 2008. But I am forever grateful for Andy and Joan Horner for seeing a need in the US for a business that could work for moms - single or married. Jewelry is just the vehicle. Our business is so much more than that.
And it allows me mornings like this to enjoy the new day before it actually begins :)
It's just that I've come to enjoy my morning routine and it is truly one of my greatest pleasures. It's MY morning, MY coffee, MY fresh air, MY music....it's MY gift that I want to enjoy. Even though I may suffer minor twinges due to the onset of middle age, (whatever...I just have to say that because that's what my body thinks...my mind knows better!) I am determined to enjoy my day.
I caught up with an old friend from high school yesterday. As we chatted, we realized that we hadn't talked in three years! For the sake of argument, that's really not a long time. But when you think about all the changes that have occurred - however minor - three years can seem like an eternity to some.
Three years ago, I graduated from college with no set goals in mind. Why? The start of the recession, silly! Jobs that were rocking when I started back to college in 2006 were no longer viable options in 2008. I had just fallen into a small home based business that I thought I could "try." And I kept looking. I kept thinking that there wasn't anything out there for me. My mornings came to be a time of tears and frustration, as well as bitterness at others' success. As I'd drive to the array of "careers" I had between 2008-2010, I'd be angry at the moms getting to walk their children to school. I'd be jealous of those driving nicer vehicles than mine. Facebook became a source that fed my bitterness because of all the happy - happy "Look how good I'm doing" posts. I wanted to puke at the injustice of it all.
Then a funny thing happened in June 2009. My sweet friend, Becky, and I (together we are the super hero Dorky Beeen) just decided to do things different. We decided to decide. No more dwelling on the worst things that could happen. It all boiled down to a simple quote from Mark Twain. Paraphrased, it said, "If you were to eat a toad every morning, chances are that's the worst thing that will happen to you that day."
I can't say things were super perfect after that, but I can say that my attitude was greatly improved. I still had moments of self doubt and still had to jump into another "career", but I had finally realized what I was good at and had found my place in the world.
What I realized was this: I love people. I love laughter. I love sharing great conversations. I love a good cup of coffee. I love music that speaks to my soul. I love my family. I love helping.
So how do I wrap all of that up into one neat, tidy package? That little home based business that I had fallen into was still plodding along. I was still playing in jewelry with ladies and meeting new people. The jewelry shows kept coming...but I kept looking for that other career that was going to send me to the next level.
And then suddenly in January 2010, I was hit with real life. My dermatologist (for the 2nd time) found a precancerous mole in an area that we could not blame on the sun. Mike made the decision to come with me to the Regional conference that Premier was holding in Dallas, since I needed assistance getting around. Originally, he was going to catch up on some much needed sleep while I learned how to keep my home shows going. Once we got there, he decided to join me because it was crowded and he didn't want me getting jostled (the surgery was to remove a mole on my foot) and he could also get a little more insight into "our" Premier business.
I can't say how much that conference changed our thinking. There weren't any amazing, profound "secrets" that these leaders shared. There was the jeweler who had moved a ton of times because she was in the military. There was the jeweler who was a total feeler, as opposed to a doer. She hated going to the post office, too. But she was making it work. I know there were other speakers, but I can't say that I "got" what they were talking about. The message was just take care of your guests and hostesses.
So we came home and did just that. And the shows kept coming. I just kept playing in the jewelry, loving on all the ladies...laughing with them...helping them...and knew I was right where I needed to be. When that realization hit - that I could use my gifts - business began to grow faster than I expected. I still suffered from insecurities, but everything was moving forward. Even when the bottom dropped out and we had to move away from our life in San Antonio without Christian...we still maintained a positive outlook. And our business kept growing.
Yesterday, I looked at the numbers to see if we will be able to make this cruise that Premier is sending their leadership on. These numbers are a direct reflection of my work. Mike had to pry me off the ceiling when I realized that we are very likely going to go for free. And the shows keep coming and I just keep loving on my hostesses and they accept my love and they accept me for my love of music and coffee and family.
I can say with confidence that I was never a jewelry person. I didn't notice it until 2008. But I am forever grateful for Andy and Joan Horner for seeing a need in the US for a business that could work for moms - single or married. Jewelry is just the vehicle. Our business is so much more than that.
And it allows me mornings like this to enjoy the new day before it actually begins :)
Friday, September 9, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
My Cup Runneth Over
I am in a position to say that I am happier today than I have been in a long time. This isn't a statement that I make lightly either. I've got ALL of my children under my roof tonight, we ate a delicious dish of chicken and chili on tortillas that I prepared over a week ago (Love my freezer meals!!), and we are going to spend tomorrow morning at Long Hunter State Park assisting with a conservation effort. Am I a blessed girl or what?!
I couldn't help but think tonight as I was on the way to pick up Christian from the airport that I couldn't be happier. I am so full of joy that some days I just cry. Nothing substantial, mind you, it's just the tears come unexpectedly. A sweet call from a friend, a kind word from a stranger, or a long look from Mike that just makes me realize that even though we've been married for as long as we have he still sees my heart.
And then sometimes I have those thoughts that sneak in before I know what hits me. The ones that whisper, "This won't last long," or "nothing this good lasts forever." I've had to get REALLY good at pushing them aside. I KNOW THAT! I know that things happen. Parents get older, children get sick, homes are lost in a blink of an eye...God, don't I know anything can happen!!
I'm going to ask that my friends and family join me in seeing the beauty around them. Look at your children, for heaven's sake, and truly see the gifts you've been given. Look at the spouse that you've chosen and reach down deep and remember why you married them in the first place. Feel how fortunate you are when you crawl out of bed in the morning as you get ready for your day. (Because some of us are literally crawling out of bed.) Just remember that you have a heavenly Father that loves you more than anything. He's just waiting for you to see Him, too.
Enjoy!!
I couldn't help but think tonight as I was on the way to pick up Christian from the airport that I couldn't be happier. I am so full of joy that some days I just cry. Nothing substantial, mind you, it's just the tears come unexpectedly. A sweet call from a friend, a kind word from a stranger, or a long look from Mike that just makes me realize that even though we've been married for as long as we have he still sees my heart.
And then sometimes I have those thoughts that sneak in before I know what hits me. The ones that whisper, "This won't last long," or "nothing this good lasts forever." I've had to get REALLY good at pushing them aside. I KNOW THAT! I know that things happen. Parents get older, children get sick, homes are lost in a blink of an eye...God, don't I know anything can happen!!
I'm going to ask that my friends and family join me in seeing the beauty around them. Look at your children, for heaven's sake, and truly see the gifts you've been given. Look at the spouse that you've chosen and reach down deep and remember why you married them in the first place. Feel how fortunate you are when you crawl out of bed in the morning as you get ready for your day. (Because some of us are literally crawling out of bed.) Just remember that you have a heavenly Father that loves you more than anything. He's just waiting for you to see Him, too.
Enjoy!!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Everyday Changes
My thoughts are a mess this morning. The weather is changing - it is a brisk morning and with the leaves falling, Autumn is definitely right around the corner and that makes me sad. Although I'd like to blame the change of seasons for causing this mess in my head - I can't put a seem to wrap my head around any one thought today and I know it's because so many things changed this weekend - not just the weather.
Ten years ago, I was not quite 30 years old...just a baby in the great scheme of life! Terrorists on our doorstep was impossible, even though 9/11 was just a few weeks away. Katrina, that monstrous storm, wasn't even close to being on the radar. My skin was still supple, my hair lustrous, my back - OK, my back was stiffer. We still played cards with Mike and Kelley, celebrated New Year's with Jeremy and Cynthia, and had Friday night high school football to look forward to.
But now, I find myself clinging to my children almost desperately because I am not ready for them to be "grown ups." I want Christian to move back home so I can take care of him. I don't want Severn to drive because that just means he's driving away from me and one day, he'll be like Christian, living in another city. I don't want Miranda to stop reading the Warrior series because that means she'll no longer have a little girl's heart.
Will there still be room for me? I want to be a mom - it's what I'm good at.
And my heart - it seems to have changed the most. It's not unlike Plato's Allegory of the Cave. There is so much that I've learned and experienced through the years that sometimes I wish I could go back to the cave and face the wall. But I can't. Everyday, I feel God working in my heart and I just want to cry for all the beauty I see. How can I go back to the chains and face the blank cave wall and believe that those shadows I see are my reality?
There's a great song that came out about 10 years ago (maybe 15, but who's counting?) called "Time Marches On." It's truly a COUNTRY song - and the content speaks more clearly to me today than it did 10 years ago.
Ten years ago, I was not quite 30 years old...just a baby in the great scheme of life! Terrorists on our doorstep was impossible, even though 9/11 was just a few weeks away. Katrina, that monstrous storm, wasn't even close to being on the radar. My skin was still supple, my hair lustrous, my back - OK, my back was stiffer. We still played cards with Mike and Kelley, celebrated New Year's with Jeremy and Cynthia, and had Friday night high school football to look forward to.
But now, I find myself clinging to my children almost desperately because I am not ready for them to be "grown ups." I want Christian to move back home so I can take care of him. I don't want Severn to drive because that just means he's driving away from me and one day, he'll be like Christian, living in another city. I don't want Miranda to stop reading the Warrior series because that means she'll no longer have a little girl's heart.
Will there still be room for me? I want to be a mom - it's what I'm good at.
And my heart - it seems to have changed the most. It's not unlike Plato's Allegory of the Cave. There is so much that I've learned and experienced through the years that sometimes I wish I could go back to the cave and face the wall. But I can't. Everyday, I feel God working in my heart and I just want to cry for all the beauty I see. How can I go back to the chains and face the blank cave wall and believe that those shadows I see are my reality?
There's a great song that came out about 10 years ago (maybe 15, but who's counting?) called "Time Marches On." It's truly a COUNTRY song - and the content speaks more clearly to me today than it did 10 years ago.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Gonna getcha on this one!
God was listening today...and it wasn't to me.
It started last night. Maybe I shouldn't have issued that challenge. (I'm going to listen because I want to feel the wind on my face, etc, etc) Sigh....
Let me rewind. When we lived in New York, we attended a Lutheran church called...Prince of Peace. Same as the church we attended in San Antonio, but different. New York posed all sorts of challenges, although we couldn't pinpoint them at the time. The biggest challenge being that none of us had lived away from San Antonio since the early 80's (cough, cough...Mike.) We all had to deal with our own trials - and if you haven't ever moved away from all you hold dear to your heart - don't judge...it hurts in ways you'll never know!
In the course of the 7 months at Prince of Peace; New York - they issued a survey to determine what each members' strengths were. I received mine right before we moved to Tennessee. Discernment, Evangelism, and Faith. Essentially- I'm the friend you want to have because I believe in God - I know His Son died for all of us, and I'm not afraid to share His Word, and guess what?!?!...I know what you are feeling because He sends me in when you need me the most!
Fast forward to today. I don't know if I made a difference, but I can tell you that I received all sorts of trials - not of my own doing. It just worked out that God needed me today as His liaison. I think it took the 2nd or 3rd go around that it finally connected...."Uh, duh...God, is this for me? Because I was having a great day before that call BEFORE my first cup of coffee! (Pause.) Oh, I need to listen for YOU? (Another pause.) OK...ten - four!"
It started last night. Maybe I shouldn't have issued that challenge. (I'm going to listen because I want to feel the wind on my face, etc, etc) Sigh....
Let me rewind. When we lived in New York, we attended a Lutheran church called...Prince of Peace. Same as the church we attended in San Antonio, but different. New York posed all sorts of challenges, although we couldn't pinpoint them at the time. The biggest challenge being that none of us had lived away from San Antonio since the early 80's (cough, cough...Mike.) We all had to deal with our own trials - and if you haven't ever moved away from all you hold dear to your heart - don't judge...it hurts in ways you'll never know!
In the course of the 7 months at Prince of Peace; New York - they issued a survey to determine what each members' strengths were. I received mine right before we moved to Tennessee. Discernment, Evangelism, and Faith. Essentially- I'm the friend you want to have because I believe in God - I know His Son died for all of us, and I'm not afraid to share His Word, and guess what?!?!...I know what you are feeling because He sends me in when you need me the most!
Fast forward to today. I don't know if I made a difference, but I can tell you that I received all sorts of trials - not of my own doing. It just worked out that God needed me today as His liaison. I think it took the 2nd or 3rd go around that it finally connected...."Uh, duh...God, is this for me? Because I was having a great day before that call BEFORE my first cup of coffee! (Pause.) Oh, I need to listen for YOU? (Another pause.) OK...ten - four!"
Monday, August 15, 2011
Why do I blog?
Can't say that I am the most consistent blogger in the state of TN - but I do know that when I blog I feel that I have lifted a great weight off my shoulders and continue on until the world is crushing me again.
I'm crushed....perhaps if I dump into said BLOG, life will turn right side up again!
After a whirlwind business trip through crispy Texas and up to the lush greenness of upstate New York, I left no time to just "BE." Between moving all of our belongings from Texas to Tennessee - (and freaking out about our Maverick running away/getting lost) then flying back to Texas to play in the jewelry (do I have the best hostesses or WHAT?!) then up to New York to make new friends and play in more jewelry....man oh man....would you think am I tired!? No, not in the least, but I think that's what should have come after all that!
I did almost fall asleep in church on Sunday - Pastor Kevin had a great sermon (God's all seeing eye), but it was my time to BE. We rush so quickly through our daily lives that we forget to just take a moment and enjoy the silence. Not that there is much silence in the Rollins' household...except maybe at 5:30 AM. I want to sit outside and marvel at the creation in front of me. I want to feel the cool breeze on my face as I take that first sip of hot coffee.
So here is my own personal challenge for tomorrow. I am going to do exactly that...so that when I come to blog again, I will be calmer and lighter of heart, so that as I blog, I can solve the world's problems, one blog at a time!
I'm crushed....perhaps if I dump into said BLOG, life will turn right side up again!
After a whirlwind business trip through crispy Texas and up to the lush greenness of upstate New York, I left no time to just "BE." Between moving all of our belongings from Texas to Tennessee - (and freaking out about our Maverick running away/getting lost) then flying back to Texas to play in the jewelry (do I have the best hostesses or WHAT?!) then up to New York to make new friends and play in more jewelry....man oh man....would you think am I tired!? No, not in the least, but I think that's what should have come after all that!
I did almost fall asleep in church on Sunday - Pastor Kevin had a great sermon (God's all seeing eye), but it was my time to BE. We rush so quickly through our daily lives that we forget to just take a moment and enjoy the silence. Not that there is much silence in the Rollins' household...except maybe at 5:30 AM. I want to sit outside and marvel at the creation in front of me. I want to feel the cool breeze on my face as I take that first sip of hot coffee.
So here is my own personal challenge for tomorrow. I am going to do exactly that...so that when I come to blog again, I will be calmer and lighter of heart, so that as I blog, I can solve the world's problems, one blog at a time!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Can you see me now?
A couple of months ago, my dad and I had a rather interesting discussion about passing the peace in church. Who really sees you as they shake your hand? The eyes are the window to the soul. So if you don't look at their face, how will you truly pass God's peace?
I decided to do an experiment. I've been attending a new church in the Mt. Juliet area. This past weekend was probably the best time to try this since Severn and Miranda were in Corpus Christi with their grandparents. Mike was working. How many people would actually see me?
I came into the church at the beginning of the service. It started late since everyone was still in fellowship - good to know, right? Especially since this was my 4th or 5th time to visit. There weren't a lot of people in church - I imagine it was due to the holiday weekend. The songs were sang and the pastor had a great message.
"The peace of the Lord be with you all." It was time. I turned to the family behind me. Their 15 year old daughter looked me in the eyes and smiled. She saw me!! Same for the dad and the mom - I felt as if I struck gold!! But then that feeling of belonging rapidly began to dissipate. Hands were clasped, but eyes slid over and past me. Don't you see me? I wanted to ask. I could be hurting here!! But they were moving around the church quickly greeting their friends and loved ones. I shook hands with a few other souls, attempting to make eye contact. No luck. Another lady came up to me and introduced herself while shaking my hand. But my feelings were already hurt, to be completely honest. It's hard to maintain objectivity when one uses oneself as an experiment, you know.
Four out of about 40 people acknowledged me sitting there, alone.
It isn't ever easy to be the new kid on the block. It doesn't matter whether it's work, church, or school. But I'm glad I tried - and I'll try again next Sunday. Because I've learned it is very easy to get comfortable - and we all know that comfort is the enemy of achievement (not my quote). But if I were to maintain my current level of comfort, I would probably miss some great people and perhaps some great friendships.
You know that first family that I turned to with the 15 year old daughter? The mom asked if I had plans that afternoon. She didn't like the idea of me being alone. She saw me and my need. And that is truly God's peace.
I decided to do an experiment. I've been attending a new church in the Mt. Juliet area. This past weekend was probably the best time to try this since Severn and Miranda were in Corpus Christi with their grandparents. Mike was working. How many people would actually see me?
I came into the church at the beginning of the service. It started late since everyone was still in fellowship - good to know, right? Especially since this was my 4th or 5th time to visit. There weren't a lot of people in church - I imagine it was due to the holiday weekend. The songs were sang and the pastor had a great message.
"The peace of the Lord be with you all." It was time. I turned to the family behind me. Their 15 year old daughter looked me in the eyes and smiled. She saw me!! Same for the dad and the mom - I felt as if I struck gold!! But then that feeling of belonging rapidly began to dissipate. Hands were clasped, but eyes slid over and past me. Don't you see me? I wanted to ask. I could be hurting here!! But they were moving around the church quickly greeting their friends and loved ones. I shook hands with a few other souls, attempting to make eye contact. No luck. Another lady came up to me and introduced herself while shaking my hand. But my feelings were already hurt, to be completely honest. It's hard to maintain objectivity when one uses oneself as an experiment, you know.
Four out of about 40 people acknowledged me sitting there, alone.
It isn't ever easy to be the new kid on the block. It doesn't matter whether it's work, church, or school. But I'm glad I tried - and I'll try again next Sunday. Because I've learned it is very easy to get comfortable - and we all know that comfort is the enemy of achievement (not my quote). But if I were to maintain my current level of comfort, I would probably miss some great people and perhaps some great friendships.
You know that first family that I turned to with the 15 year old daughter? The mom asked if I had plans that afternoon. She didn't like the idea of me being alone. She saw me and my need. And that is truly God's peace.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Homeschooling - To do or Not to do?
It's been a full year since Mike and I made the decision to home school and I've got to say that I'm still not completely sold on the idea. We made this decision a little late in the game - one graduated from public school, one went through 8th grade and the other through 5th grade. I guess you can say that our family is conditioned for public school and the rituals and routines that go along with it. We loved the football games with halftime performances. Oh, and the anticipation for any holiday or 3 day weekend....we could sleep in!!
But when we started to dissect HOW the kids were learning and WHAT they were learning - that was what led us to consider homeschooling in the first place. The biggest problem was that Severn was spending most of his days in the Principal's office - not because he was in trouble - but always for some injustice done to him. Some were too trivial to mention, but others were valid, HUGE problems that no parent ever wants to deal with. The bullying, the disrespectful punks who wouldn't allow teachers to do their job, and let's face it, the teachers that didn't want to do their jobs didn't invite a love of learning.
Mike and I really hesitated when it came to Miranda because she did quite well in public school. She loves to learn, loves to socialize, and basically thrives in the public school setting. But the girls were starting to get catty...the name calling was beginning...why is it that the first thing children learn how to insult in today's society is sexuality? Well, shoot - hang on a sec...I think we did the same thing in elementary and middle school. Sigh...but I think the term "gay" was really all that we used.
But I digress...
The girls were now dating or "going out" with boys, wearing make up, and super tight jeans. The simplicity of Childhood was basically drop kicked out the window. There were more days than I can count that I had to send Miranda into school crying because she couldn't get a grasp on those crazy emotions - OR that she couldn't tell me what was wrong. And that is no way for anyone to start their day.
So they were learning - their test scores always proved that, but at what cost? Is their sense of self worth really something to sacrifice? And what other self destructive patterns would have been in their future?
The first thing that Mike and I noticed after we moved to NY and began homeschooling instruction was that Severn could walk by a group of boys without worrying about being messed with. Miranda stopped biting her nails. The anger that Severn had always carried around slowly began to melt away. (We thought this was just his personality.) We still had to deal with residual behaviors like Severn calling Miranda names when we weren't around to build himself up, etc, etc. But once we drilled into him that all he's doing is tearing her down and we are in charge of building her up, he started to treat her with more respect. That was a trait learned from other children because I like to think we are pretty respectful in our household.
I'm not going to say instructing my own children has been easy either. As I mentioned earlier, we are conditioned to the public school system. Thus, I get really frustrated when it's time for them to wake up and get started for the day and they feel no sense of urgency. And adding Bailey's to my coffee every morning to alleviate my frustrations wasn't going to be a solution.
I imagine that as we move into our second year of homeschooling we will see even more growth. Their test scores still prove they are learning. And there is a sense of excitement. AND, my coffee is just coffee.
But when we started to dissect HOW the kids were learning and WHAT they were learning - that was what led us to consider homeschooling in the first place. The biggest problem was that Severn was spending most of his days in the Principal's office - not because he was in trouble - but always for some injustice done to him. Some were too trivial to mention, but others were valid, HUGE problems that no parent ever wants to deal with. The bullying, the disrespectful punks who wouldn't allow teachers to do their job, and let's face it, the teachers that didn't want to do their jobs didn't invite a love of learning.
Mike and I really hesitated when it came to Miranda because she did quite well in public school. She loves to learn, loves to socialize, and basically thrives in the public school setting. But the girls were starting to get catty...the name calling was beginning...why is it that the first thing children learn how to insult in today's society is sexuality? Well, shoot - hang on a sec...I think we did the same thing in elementary and middle school. Sigh...but I think the term "gay" was really all that we used.
But I digress...
The girls were now dating or "going out" with boys, wearing make up, and super tight jeans. The simplicity of Childhood was basically drop kicked out the window. There were more days than I can count that I had to send Miranda into school crying because she couldn't get a grasp on those crazy emotions - OR that she couldn't tell me what was wrong. And that is no way for anyone to start their day.
So they were learning - their test scores always proved that, but at what cost? Is their sense of self worth really something to sacrifice? And what other self destructive patterns would have been in their future?
The first thing that Mike and I noticed after we moved to NY and began homeschooling instruction was that Severn could walk by a group of boys without worrying about being messed with. Miranda stopped biting her nails. The anger that Severn had always carried around slowly began to melt away. (We thought this was just his personality.) We still had to deal with residual behaviors like Severn calling Miranda names when we weren't around to build himself up, etc, etc. But once we drilled into him that all he's doing is tearing her down and we are in charge of building her up, he started to treat her with more respect. That was a trait learned from other children because I like to think we are pretty respectful in our household.
I'm not going to say instructing my own children has been easy either. As I mentioned earlier, we are conditioned to the public school system. Thus, I get really frustrated when it's time for them to wake up and get started for the day and they feel no sense of urgency. And adding Bailey's to my coffee every morning to alleviate my frustrations wasn't going to be a solution.
I imagine that as we move into our second year of homeschooling we will see even more growth. Their test scores still prove they are learning. And there is a sense of excitement. AND, my coffee is just coffee.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Making it Work
Being a full time wife and mother is not an easy task. I have so many friends that work full time outside the home and always tell me, "I don't know how you do it, I'd go crazy" or "I'd end up in prison because I'd kill someone." (That second statement came from one of my dear New Yorker friends...so brutally honest, but refreshing.)
When I worked full time, I felt like nothing was ever 100% done. It was as if I were a pie and a third of me went to household chores, a third of me focused on full time work, and a third of me had to be shared by Mike and the kids - guess that's a sixth, but I'm no math major. It was a lose-lose situation. I wasn't the top salesperson at work because I was concerned about Christian and which college he was going to attend. I was angry that Severn was dealing with bullying at the middle school. I wasn't preparing the most nutricious meals at home...PB & J and grilled cheese were staples in our home last year, in fact not prepared by me at all, but by Miranda.
This is what I decided to change by working my business out of my home this past year. I have dedicated days to making phone calls and mornings are dedicated to emails. While my business is still growing, I wanted to conserve cash flow, so I clip coupons on Sundays and compare ads. I plan out my week so unnecessary driving has been cut down. We eat at home pretty much everyday, so those fast food runs are few and far between.
I wanted to build my relationship with Michael so that we can celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and our children and grandchildren will say, "That's what I want!" Basically, I changed how I look at him. I see this most amazing man who makes me laugh. Sometimes, he says things that don't make me laugh, but make me feel like I've just been tickled -have you ever felt like that? We talk about EVERYTHING - even if it's trivial. For example, yesterday the topics were, How do you Discipline your Daughter when She's a Teenager? and I Know who Would have My Back in a Fight even at this Age (Chris and Darren, here's to you!)
And I am now probably the most consistent mom you'll meet when it comes to my kids. Christian gets to talk with me several times a week. I am putting the finishing touches on my masterpiece, this beautiful person that we were blessed to raise, by building him up to be a man of integrity and honor. I encourage Severn and Miranda to make wise choices in food daily. And personal hygiene. And being a good friend. And learning something new everyday.
How does my pie look now? It's still in thirds, but routine and consistency have brought it all together. I thank God everyday that He has given me this opportunity to do what I am best at. Being a wife, a mother, and business owner - and having the enthusiasm to do it all well!!
When I worked full time, I felt like nothing was ever 100% done. It was as if I were a pie and a third of me went to household chores, a third of me focused on full time work, and a third of me had to be shared by Mike and the kids - guess that's a sixth, but I'm no math major. It was a lose-lose situation. I wasn't the top salesperson at work because I was concerned about Christian and which college he was going to attend. I was angry that Severn was dealing with bullying at the middle school. I wasn't preparing the most nutricious meals at home...PB & J and grilled cheese were staples in our home last year, in fact not prepared by me at all, but by Miranda.
This is what I decided to change by working my business out of my home this past year. I have dedicated days to making phone calls and mornings are dedicated to emails. While my business is still growing, I wanted to conserve cash flow, so I clip coupons on Sundays and compare ads. I plan out my week so unnecessary driving has been cut down. We eat at home pretty much everyday, so those fast food runs are few and far between.
I wanted to build my relationship with Michael so that we can celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and our children and grandchildren will say, "That's what I want!" Basically, I changed how I look at him. I see this most amazing man who makes me laugh. Sometimes, he says things that don't make me laugh, but make me feel like I've just been tickled -have you ever felt like that? We talk about EVERYTHING - even if it's trivial. For example, yesterday the topics were, How do you Discipline your Daughter when She's a Teenager? and I Know who Would have My Back in a Fight even at this Age (Chris and Darren, here's to you!)
And I am now probably the most consistent mom you'll meet when it comes to my kids. Christian gets to talk with me several times a week. I am putting the finishing touches on my masterpiece, this beautiful person that we were blessed to raise, by building him up to be a man of integrity and honor. I encourage Severn and Miranda to make wise choices in food daily. And personal hygiene. And being a good friend. And learning something new everyday.
How does my pie look now? It's still in thirds, but routine and consistency have brought it all together. I thank God everyday that He has given me this opportunity to do what I am best at. Being a wife, a mother, and business owner - and having the enthusiasm to do it all well!!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Celebrating Dad
Even though I know it's Father's Day and it's the day we say, "Here's to you, Dad!" - the heart of the matter is this - we learned alot more from our daddies than we care to admit. I know every generation does the best that they can with the resources given to them (blah, blah, blah), but do you know what I've got to say about that? "Horse Hockey!!" It is all based on the individual and the decisions that they made, PERIOD.
I won't name names or point fingers, but here are a few ways that some dads made their daughters feel their worth. Father #1 offered to purchase breast implants for his 17 year old daughter in order to raise her self esteem. Father #2 told his wife that she turned the kids into hypochondriacs. Wife had to leave said Father #2 in order to get her 14 year old daughter the necessary surgery for her severe scoliosis. Father #3 liked to sit in the bathroom while his teenage daughters showered. I like Father #3 best, don't you? Sick bastard.
But then, Oh, BUT THEN - you have the most amazing fathers on the planet. They take their daughters hiking to explore ponds and old forgotten wells. They talk in crazy Scottish accents just to make their kids laugh. They go to work everyday - without calling in sick - to provide shelter and food for the ones that they love best. They come home every night, even when they know that they are walking into Dante's Inferno because the kids have been bickering all day and the darn cat is peeing all over the place because she's too old to make it to the litter box. They run to Walgreens (and take the kids) to buy Mommy maxi pads and ice cream...just because.
The languages of love are ancient when it comes to Man and his child. Even though Man's body grows old, the beauty and youth of their children proves that immortality does exist. Even the freaks mentioned above "loved" their children - Father #1 honestly thought it would help his daughter out and couldn't understand her anger at him. Father #2 probably suppressed the thoughts that his daughter was in need of surgery because it tore him up that his baby girl was going to go through excruciating surgery and rehabilitation. Father #3, the sick bastard, loved all of his daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc. just SO much that he needed them to see and feel that love....yeah - there's probably another blog coming about that. Yes, he is a relation and no, don't even THINK that he is my dad. (My dad is covered in paragraph 3; you'll find him under the most amazing dads on the planet.)
Happy Father's Day to all the amazing dads on the planet!!
(Top photo: Four generations of firstborns, bottom photo: My amazing hubby with our boys)
I won't name names or point fingers, but here are a few ways that some dads made their daughters feel their worth. Father #1 offered to purchase breast implants for his 17 year old daughter in order to raise her self esteem. Father #2 told his wife that she turned the kids into hypochondriacs. Wife had to leave said Father #2 in order to get her 14 year old daughter the necessary surgery for her severe scoliosis. Father #3 liked to sit in the bathroom while his teenage daughters showered. I like Father #3 best, don't you? Sick bastard.
But then, Oh, BUT THEN - you have the most amazing fathers on the planet. They take their daughters hiking to explore ponds and old forgotten wells. They talk in crazy Scottish accents just to make their kids laugh. They go to work everyday - without calling in sick - to provide shelter and food for the ones that they love best. They come home every night, even when they know that they are walking into Dante's Inferno because the kids have been bickering all day and the darn cat is peeing all over the place because she's too old to make it to the litter box. They run to Walgreens (and take the kids) to buy Mommy maxi pads and ice cream...just because.
The languages of love are ancient when it comes to Man and his child. Even though Man's body grows old, the beauty and youth of their children proves that immortality does exist. Even the freaks mentioned above "loved" their children - Father #1 honestly thought it would help his daughter out and couldn't understand her anger at him. Father #2 probably suppressed the thoughts that his daughter was in need of surgery because it tore him up that his baby girl was going to go through excruciating surgery and rehabilitation. Father #3, the sick bastard, loved all of his daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc. just SO much that he needed them to see and feel that love....yeah - there's probably another blog coming about that. Yes, he is a relation and no, don't even THINK that he is my dad. (My dad is covered in paragraph 3; you'll find him under the most amazing dads on the planet.)
Happy Father's Day to all the amazing dads on the planet!!
(Top photo: Four generations of firstborns, bottom photo: My amazing hubby with our boys)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Happy Anniversary!!
Mike and I are celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary today. However, unlike most people, we don't say 16 years married and 24 years together. We just say we've known each other forever. While our life together didn't begin until June 16, 1995, that was the day that two souls became one - AGAIN.
I've known Mike alot longer than just 24 years. While our Judeo-Christian doctrine may frown upon the suggestion of reincarnation, it's not just mere coincidence that when you meet that special someone your breath is taken away. This is the man in whose eyes I can see forever. This is the man who I can see myself in.
Sure, we are struggling through day to day life together raising children and paying bills. We've supported each other through career changes, college, and job loss (or jobs not quite found.) We've coped with the loss of loved ones and watched our children struggle to find themselves. We've watched friends and family divorce - and we pull into ourselves to overcome that sense of betrayal and loss. We've eaten good food, watched great movies, and seen some amazing sights in this world. Some as breathtaking as the waterfalls in Hawaii and others as heart wrenching as our beautiful daughter taking her first breath.
Through it all, we love each other in a way that is timeless. We know what the other is thinking, we say the same thing at the same time...sometimes we even weird ourselves out when we do that. But whether I talk too much (family trait) or get food on my face (personal trait) - this man continues to look at me with the same smile, through the same eyes, year after year.
Happy anniversary, Michael!
I've known Mike alot longer than just 24 years. While our Judeo-Christian doctrine may frown upon the suggestion of reincarnation, it's not just mere coincidence that when you meet that special someone your breath is taken away. This is the man in whose eyes I can see forever. This is the man who I can see myself in.
Sure, we are struggling through day to day life together raising children and paying bills. We've supported each other through career changes, college, and job loss (or jobs not quite found.) We've coped with the loss of loved ones and watched our children struggle to find themselves. We've watched friends and family divorce - and we pull into ourselves to overcome that sense of betrayal and loss. We've eaten good food, watched great movies, and seen some amazing sights in this world. Some as breathtaking as the waterfalls in Hawaii and others as heart wrenching as our beautiful daughter taking her first breath.
Through it all, we love each other in a way that is timeless. We know what the other is thinking, we say the same thing at the same time...sometimes we even weird ourselves out when we do that. But whether I talk too much (family trait) or get food on my face (personal trait) - this man continues to look at me with the same smile, through the same eyes, year after year.
Happy anniversary, Michael!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
My Role is Evolving
Here I am, almost 11 o'clock at night, and I am up because the tears that chose not to fall this past week decided to make an appearnace tonight. Mike asked me what was wrong...mind you, we are in bed already when the tears appeared. They don't have any sense of time, I guess. So I was able to communicate honestly to Mike, "I don't cry in public..."
I cant' give him an honest answer of "What's wrong." I'm sad because my grandpa died - that's the most obvious. I'm tired - it's been a long day and rest isn't my best friend right now.
I guess what's wrong is a thought that has been lingering in the back of my mind. It haunts my days and lends to sleepless nights. It is the fact that my role as wife and mother are evolving. I'm unsure of which direction I need to go in next. This has been coming for a while now. I mean, my kids aren't the sweet little babies that need mommy all the time now. So I'm looking for purpose and trying to determine what God has in store for me. Like everyone else on the planet, I'm looking for signs everywhere!
I didn't take too many psychology courses in college so I can't state for fact that I am feeling the way I do because my original role was as a mother. I graduated from high school, started college with no clear direction and POOF! I was a mom at 19. Did this hard wire me differently than my friends and family that had children later in life or not at all?
My role was clear when the children were younger. It was pure surviaval!! My yesterdays are still as crystal clear now as they were then...even more so clear than the now. I woke up and made breakfast for everyone. Sometimes lunch depending on if the baby slept through the night. I walked Christian to school, pushing Sev and Mrianda in the double stroller. We'd come home so they could play while I tidied up breakfast dishes and made beds. Once a week, we would go downtown to meet my Grandma Farley at McDonalds' for a playdate. (Grandma Farley is legally blind now.) Once that was done and we played for a while, it was nap time. I was GOOD at nap time!! We'd wake just in time to walk back to the school to pick up Christian or meet him halfway. Time for snacks and homework while getting dinner started. Oh look! Here comes Daddy! Mike would occupy the kids while I got dinner on the table and we shared a healthy, if not totally calm dinner with an 8, 4, and 2 year old in our midst. Dishes would wait as we got the kids bathed for the evening. Storytime has and always will be a huge role in our family. In fact, I didn't want to share with Severn that Mom reading stories at night was something that maybe shouldn't be done...say, at the age of 14! But where was I? So, bath was done, stories were read, prayers were said ...and Mommy and Daddy had time together to visit and just absorb one another's presence.
Fast forward ten years...Christian lives in Maryland, Severn hangs up on me because of his ADHD (processing isn't quite there), and Miranda makes witty banter about my bedroom being off limits!! So where does that leave me??!! I'm still Mike's wife, I'm still a child of God and I'm still a Mother. But that role of Mother changes every flipping time you think you've got it figured out!!
I cant' give him an honest answer of "What's wrong." I'm sad because my grandpa died - that's the most obvious. I'm tired - it's been a long day and rest isn't my best friend right now.
I guess what's wrong is a thought that has been lingering in the back of my mind. It haunts my days and lends to sleepless nights. It is the fact that my role as wife and mother are evolving. I'm unsure of which direction I need to go in next. This has been coming for a while now. I mean, my kids aren't the sweet little babies that need mommy all the time now. So I'm looking for purpose and trying to determine what God has in store for me. Like everyone else on the planet, I'm looking for signs everywhere!
I didn't take too many psychology courses in college so I can't state for fact that I am feeling the way I do because my original role was as a mother. I graduated from high school, started college with no clear direction and POOF! I was a mom at 19. Did this hard wire me differently than my friends and family that had children later in life or not at all?
My role was clear when the children were younger. It was pure surviaval!! My yesterdays are still as crystal clear now as they were then...even more so clear than the now. I woke up and made breakfast for everyone. Sometimes lunch depending on if the baby slept through the night. I walked Christian to school, pushing Sev and Mrianda in the double stroller. We'd come home so they could play while I tidied up breakfast dishes and made beds. Once a week, we would go downtown to meet my Grandma Farley at McDonalds' for a playdate. (Grandma Farley is legally blind now.) Once that was done and we played for a while, it was nap time. I was GOOD at nap time!! We'd wake just in time to walk back to the school to pick up Christian or meet him halfway. Time for snacks and homework while getting dinner started. Oh look! Here comes Daddy! Mike would occupy the kids while I got dinner on the table and we shared a healthy, if not totally calm dinner with an 8, 4, and 2 year old in our midst. Dishes would wait as we got the kids bathed for the evening. Storytime has and always will be a huge role in our family. In fact, I didn't want to share with Severn that Mom reading stories at night was something that maybe shouldn't be done...say, at the age of 14! But where was I? So, bath was done, stories were read, prayers were said ...and Mommy and Daddy had time together to visit and just absorb one another's presence.
Fast forward ten years...Christian lives in Maryland, Severn hangs up on me because of his ADHD (processing isn't quite there), and Miranda makes witty banter about my bedroom being off limits!! So where does that leave me??!! I'm still Mike's wife, I'm still a child of God and I'm still a Mother. But that role of Mother changes every flipping time you think you've got it figured out!!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Time for a Life Evaluation
This last year has been one of MANY changes. I don't like to complain...really...but I'm surprised that anyone can go through so many changes and come out sober! The most notable were Mike's job loss, our oldest son, Christian, graduating from high school, leaving our home of FOREVER and moving halfway across the US for a job...then turning around and moving AGAIN halfway back!!Some of the smaller changes...(YET HUGE IN MY EYES) are we are now homeschooling our younger two...and believe me...we are all conditioned for public school!
I can't say that I've really cried about the changes. Okay, let me rephrase that. I cried ALOT right before Christian graduated. From Mother's Day 2010 until he crossed that stage in June, I would cry if you said BOO. But after he graduated...I felt as if I were just going through the motions. And then, the move...I have to say that the thought of leaving Texas for New York was quite appealing to my sense of adventure. I couldn't wait to experience a NY Winter! And the smaller shops (as opposed to the gigantic one stop shopping...cough, cough...Walmart)! I started being referred to as, "Hey, you're the one from Texas, right?
Then reality set in. We didn't get to see Christian everyday as we had left him back in Texas in charge of the house (that is another post altogether!) Severn and Miranda began to miss their friends, who in turn showed their true colors...as did mine. You always find out who your TRUE friends are when you move. And then the snow came - again and again and again. Lord, I think that it was still snowing when we left in April.
I can't pinpoint how to identify the feelings that came with all of that. I'm not sure if I would even call it depression. Yeah, and for those of you suffering from that rotten sneaky...(well, you get my drift) depressed people can't laugh, can they? It was more of an "I don't know how I'm going to feel today, so I'm not going to plan anything" kinda feeling. The days that we did have something planned, my energy level was electric!! On the off days, I was more or less a listless, dragging blob slightly resembling a human. And here I am, the supposed "Heart" of my family...I didn't even know if I had one anymore.
Yet here we are, a full year later and my grandfather passed away a week ago. We all rushed to Omaha so we could be together as a family. I have to share that the laughter was intense. It was almost as if we laughed hard enough, we could deny that grief lurking around the edges. At times, the lines were blurred and emotions were running high, but we were ALIVE!!
And that is what I am slowly coming to understand. My life needed a definable moment. I couldn't find it in a new state, a new pair of shoes or even in my family. It was a new state of mind and one of the last things my Grandpa did was give me life back.
Rest in Peace ~ Howard A. Most ~ January 2, 1928 - May 30, 2011
I can't say that I've really cried about the changes. Okay, let me rephrase that. I cried ALOT right before Christian graduated. From Mother's Day 2010 until he crossed that stage in June, I would cry if you said BOO. But after he graduated...I felt as if I were just going through the motions. And then, the move...I have to say that the thought of leaving Texas for New York was quite appealing to my sense of adventure. I couldn't wait to experience a NY Winter! And the smaller shops (as opposed to the gigantic one stop shopping...cough, cough...Walmart)! I started being referred to as, "Hey, you're the one from Texas, right?
Then reality set in. We didn't get to see Christian everyday as we had left him back in Texas in charge of the house (that is another post altogether!) Severn and Miranda began to miss their friends, who in turn showed their true colors...as did mine. You always find out who your TRUE friends are when you move. And then the snow came - again and again and again. Lord, I think that it was still snowing when we left in April.
I can't pinpoint how to identify the feelings that came with all of that. I'm not sure if I would even call it depression. Yeah, and for those of you suffering from that rotten sneaky...(well, you get my drift) depressed people can't laugh, can they? It was more of an "I don't know how I'm going to feel today, so I'm not going to plan anything" kinda feeling. The days that we did have something planned, my energy level was electric!! On the off days, I was more or less a listless, dragging blob slightly resembling a human. And here I am, the supposed "Heart" of my family...I didn't even know if I had one anymore.
Yet here we are, a full year later and my grandfather passed away a week ago. We all rushed to Omaha so we could be together as a family. I have to share that the laughter was intense. It was almost as if we laughed hard enough, we could deny that grief lurking around the edges. At times, the lines were blurred and emotions were running high, but we were ALIVE!!
And that is what I am slowly coming to understand. My life needed a definable moment. I couldn't find it in a new state, a new pair of shoes or even in my family. It was a new state of mind and one of the last things my Grandpa did was give me life back.
Rest in Peace ~ Howard A. Most ~ January 2, 1928 - May 30, 2011
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