Right Where I Need To Be

I got up really early this morning.  It was a simple gesture of support since Mike and James both had to be at work early.  I made coffee and ensured that they had homemade banana bread that I prepared last night...it was still warm!!  I didn't shove them out the door...really.

It's just that I've come to enjoy my morning routine and it is truly one of my greatest pleasures.  It's MY morning, MY coffee, MY fresh air, MY music....it's MY gift that I want to enjoy.  Even though I may suffer minor twinges due to the onset of middle age, (whatever...I just have to say that because that's what my body thinks...my mind knows better!) I am determined to enjoy my day.

I caught up with an old friend from high school yesterday.  As we chatted, we realized that we hadn't talked in three years!  For the sake of argument, that's really not a long time.  But when you think about all the changes that have occurred - however minor - three years can seem like an eternity to some.

Three years ago, I graduated from college with no set goals in mind.  Why?  The start of the recession, silly!  Jobs that were rocking when I started back to college in 2006 were no longer viable options in 2008.  I had just fallen into a small home based business that I thought I could "try."  And I kept looking.  I kept thinking that there wasn't anything out there for me.  My mornings came to be a time of tears and frustration, as well as bitterness at others' success.  As I'd drive to the array of "careers" I had between 2008-2010, I'd be angry at the moms getting to walk their children to school.  I'd be jealous of those driving nicer vehicles than mine.  Facebook became a source that fed my bitterness because of all the happy - happy "Look how good I'm doing" posts.  I wanted to puke at the injustice of it all.

Then a funny thing happened in June 2009.  My sweet friend, Becky, and I (together we are the super hero Dorky Beeen)  just decided to do things different.  We decided to decide.  No more dwelling on the worst things that could happen.  It all boiled down to a simple quote from Mark Twain.  Paraphrased, it said, "If you were to eat a toad every morning, chances are that's the worst thing that will happen to you that day."

I can't say things were super perfect after that, but I can say that my attitude was greatly improved.  I still had moments of self doubt and still had to jump into another "career", but I had finally realized what I was good at and had found my place in the world.

What I realized was this:  I love people.  I love laughter.  I love sharing great conversations.  I love a good cup of coffee.  I love music that speaks to my soul.  I love my family.  I love helping.

So how do I wrap all of that up into one neat, tidy package?  That little home based business that I had fallen into was still plodding along.  I was still playing in jewelry with ladies and meeting new people.  The jewelry shows kept coming...but I kept looking for that other career that was going to send me to the next level.

And then suddenly in January 2010, I was hit with real life.  My dermatologist (for the 2nd time) found a precancerous mole in an area that we could not blame on the sun.  Mike made the decision to come with me to the Regional conference that Premier was holding in Dallas, since I needed assistance getting around.  Originally, he was going to catch up on some much needed sleep while I learned how to keep my home shows going.  Once we got there, he decided to join me because it was crowded and he didn't want me getting jostled (the surgery was to remove a mole on my foot) and he could also get a little more insight into "our" Premier business.

I can't say how much that conference changed our thinking.  There weren't any amazing, profound "secrets" that these leaders shared.  There was the jeweler who had moved a ton of times because she was in the military.  There was the jeweler who was a total feeler, as opposed to a doer.  She hated going to the post office, too.  But she was making it work.  I know there were other speakers, but I can't say that I "got" what they were talking about.  The message was just take care of your guests and hostesses. 

So we came home and did just that. And the shows kept coming.  I just kept playing in the jewelry, loving on all the ladies...laughing with them...helping them...and knew I was right where I needed to be.  When that realization hit - that I could use my gifts - business began to grow faster than I expected.  I still suffered from insecurities, but everything was moving forward.  Even when the bottom dropped out and we had to move away from our life in San Antonio without Christian...we still maintained a positive outlook.  And our business kept growing.

Yesterday, I looked at the numbers to see if we will be able to make this cruise that Premier is sending their leadership on.  These numbers are a direct reflection of my work.  Mike had to pry me off the ceiling when I realized that we are very likely going to go for free.  And the shows keep coming and I just keep loving on my hostesses and they accept my love and they accept me for my love of music and coffee and family.

I can say with confidence that I was never a jewelry person.  I didn't notice it until 2008.  But I am forever grateful for Andy and Joan Horner for seeing a need in the US for a business that could work for moms - single or married.  Jewelry is just the vehicle.  Our business is so much more than that.

And it allows me mornings like this to enjoy the new day before it actually begins :)

For Mike's sister, Melissa and her sweet family

Check out this great link posted by Melissa's BFF, Jessica!!

http://belcherfire.blogspot.com/

My Cup Runneth Over

I am in a position to say that I am happier today than I have been in a long time.  This isn't a statement that I make lightly either.  I've got ALL of my children under my roof tonight, we ate a delicious dish of chicken and chili on tortillas that I prepared over a week ago (Love my freezer meals!!), and we are going to spend tomorrow morning at Long Hunter State Park assisting with a conservation effort.  Am I a blessed girl or what?!

I couldn't help but think tonight as I was on the way to pick up Christian from the airport that I couldn't be happier.  I am so full of joy that some days I just cry.  Nothing substantial, mind you, it's just the tears come unexpectedly.  A sweet call from a friend, a kind word from a stranger, or a long look from Mike that just makes me realize that even though we've been married for as long as we have he still sees my heart.

And then sometimes I have those thoughts that sneak in before I know what hits me.  The ones that whisper, "This won't last long," or "nothing this good lasts forever."  I've had to get REALLY good at pushing them aside.  I KNOW THAT!  I know that things happen.  Parents get older, children get sick, homes are lost in a blink of an eye...God, don't I know anything can happen!!

I'm going to ask that my friends and family join me in seeing the beauty around them.  Look at your children, for heaven's sake, and truly see the gifts you've been given.  Look at the spouse that you've chosen and reach down deep and remember why you married them in the first place.  Feel how fortunate you are when you crawl out of bed in the morning as you get ready for your day. (Because some of us are literally crawling out of bed.)  Just remember that you have a heavenly Father that loves you more than anything.  He's just waiting for you to see Him, too. 

Enjoy!!

Everyday Changes

My thoughts are a mess this morning.  The weather is changing - it is a brisk morning and with the leaves falling, Autumn is definitely right around the corner and that makes me sad.  Although I'd like to blame the change of seasons for causing this mess in my head - I can't put a seem to wrap my head around any one thought today and I know it's because so many things changed this weekend - not just the weather.


Ten years ago, I was not quite 30 years old...just a baby in the great scheme of life!  Terrorists on our doorstep was impossible, even though 9/11 was just a few weeks away.  Katrina, that monstrous storm, wasn't even close to being on the radar.  My skin was still supple, my hair lustrous, my back -  OK, my back was stiffer.  We still played cards with Mike and Kelley, celebrated New Year's with Jeremy and Cynthia, and had Friday night high school football to look forward to.

But now, I find myself clinging to my children almost desperately because I am not ready for them to be "grown ups."  I want Christian to move back home so I can take care of him.  I don't want Severn to drive because that just means he's driving away from me and one day, he'll be like Christian, living in another city.  I don't want Miranda to stop reading the Warrior series because that means she'll no longer have a little girl's heart. 

Will there still be room for me?  I want to be a mom - it's what I'm good at.

And my heart - it seems to have changed the most.  It's not unlike Plato's Allegory of the Cave.  There is so much that I've learned and experienced through the years that sometimes I wish I could go back to the cave and face the wall.  But I can't.  Everyday, I feel God working in my heart and I just want to cry for all the beauty I see.  How can I go back to the chains and face the blank cave wall and believe that those shadows I see are my reality?

There's a great song that came out about 10 years ago (maybe 15, but who's counting?) called "Time Marches On." It's truly a COUNTRY song - and the content speaks more clearly to me today than it did 10 years ago.

Gonna getcha on this one!

God was listening today...and it wasn't to me.

It started last night.  Maybe I shouldn't have issued that challenge. (I'm going to listen because I want to feel the wind on my face, etc, etc)  Sigh....

Let me rewind.  When we lived in New York, we attended a Lutheran church called...Prince of Peace.  Same as the church we attended in San Antonio, but different.  New York posed all sorts of challenges, although we couldn't pinpoint them at the time. The biggest challenge being that none of us had lived away from San Antonio since the early 80's (cough, cough...Mike.)  We all had to deal with our own trials - and if you haven't ever moved away from all you hold dear to your heart - don't judge...it hurts in ways you'll never know!

In the course of the 7 months at Prince of Peace; New York - they issued a survey to determine what each members' strengths were.  I received mine right before we moved to Tennessee. Discernment, Evangelism, and Faith.  Essentially- I'm the friend you want to have because I believe in God - I know His Son died for all of us, and I'm not afraid to share His Word, and guess what?!?!...I know what you are feeling because He sends me in when you need me the most!

Fast forward to today.  I don't know if I made a difference, but I can tell you that I received all sorts of trials - not of my own doing.  It just worked out that God needed me today as His liaison.    I think it took the 2nd or 3rd go around that it finally connected...."Uh, duh...God, is this for me? Because I was having a great day before that call BEFORE my first cup of coffee!  (Pause.) Oh, I need to listen for YOU?  (Another pause.) OK...ten - four!"

Why do I blog?

Can't say that I am the most consistent blogger in the state of TN - but I do know that when I blog I feel that I have lifted a great weight off my shoulders and continue on until the world is crushing me again.

I'm crushed....perhaps if I dump into said BLOG, life will turn right side up again!

After a whirlwind business trip through crispy Texas and up to the lush greenness of upstate New York, I left no time to just "BE."  Between moving all of our belongings from Texas to Tennessee - (and freaking out about our Maverick running away/getting lost) then flying back to Texas to play in the jewelry (do I have the best hostesses or WHAT?!) then up to New York to make new friends and play in more jewelry....man oh man....would you think am I tired!?  No, not in the least, but I think that's what should have come after all that!

I did almost fall asleep in church on Sunday - Pastor Kevin had a great sermon (God's all seeing eye), but it was my time to BE.  We rush so quickly through our daily lives that we forget to just take a moment and enjoy the silence.  Not that there is much silence in the Rollins' household...except maybe at 5:30 AM.  I want to sit outside and marvel at the creation in front of me.  I want to feel the cool breeze on my face as I take that first sip of hot coffee.

So here is my own personal challenge for tomorrow.  I am going to do exactly that...so that when I come to blog again, I will be calmer and lighter of heart, so that as I blog, I can solve the world's problems, one blog at a time!

Can you see me now?

A couple of months ago, my dad and I had a rather interesting discussion about passing the peace in church.  Who really sees you as they shake your hand?  The eyes are the window to the soul.  So if you don't look at their face, how will you truly pass God's peace?

I decided to do an experiment.  I've been attending a new church in the Mt. Juliet area.  This past weekend was probably the best time to try this since Severn and Miranda were in Corpus Christi with their grandparents.  Mike was working.  How many people would actually see me?

I came into the church at the beginning of the service.  It started late since everyone was still in fellowship - good to know, right?  Especially since this was my 4th or 5th time to visit.  There weren't a lot of people in church -  I imagine it was due to the holiday weekend.  The songs were sang and the pastor had a great message.

 "The peace of the Lord be with you all."  It was time.  I turned to the family behind me.  Their 15 year old daughter looked me in the eyes and smiled.  She saw me!!  Same for the dad and the mom - I felt as if I struck gold!!  But then that feeling of belonging rapidly began to dissipate.  Hands were clasped, but eyes slid over and past me.  Don't you see me? I wanted to ask.  I could be hurting here!!  But they were moving around the church quickly greeting their friends and loved ones.  I shook hands with a few other souls, attempting to make eye contact.  No luck.  Another lady came up to me and introduced herself while shaking my hand.  But my feelings were already hurt, to be completely honest.  It's hard to maintain objectivity when one uses oneself as an experiment, you know.

 Four out of about 40 people acknowledged me sitting there, alone. 

It isn't ever easy to be the new kid on the block.  It doesn't matter whether it's work, church, or school.  But I'm glad I tried - and I'll try again next Sunday.  Because I've learned it is very easy to get comfortable - and we all know that comfort is the enemy of achievement (not my quote).  But if I were to maintain my current level of comfort, I would probably miss some great people and perhaps some great friendships.

You know that first family that I turned to with the 15 year old daughter?  The mom asked if I had plans that afternoon.  She didn't like the idea of me being alone.  She saw me and my need.  And that is truly God's peace.